An Approach to Rational Conversation in Divisive Times

B. Kim Barnes

Reprinted from LinkedIn, June 10, 2019

Research in neuroscience and behavioral economics tells us that it is very difficult–if not impossible–to change someone’s mind, once they have committed to an opinion or point of view. We tend to delete or distort information that does not support our preferred position. We are inclined to go along with our “tribe” without checking the rationale or the sources behind the information. In a sense, we may not care about the truth or falsity of information as long as it reinforces that we are on the winning side or that it will make the other side appear bad, wrong, or stupid. In this way, we put ourselves at the mercy of invisible entities–not necessarily human beings–to control how we think and react. So, what can we do to counter this at a time when a shared sense of reality and the possibility of a common set of facts seems to be retreating from our lives?

Here are a few ideas about what you can do to break down resistance to having a rational conversation about controversial issues:

1. Begin or steer a conversation by asking: “Are you open to hearing some information that brought me to a different conclusion?” If the answer is no, you can gracefully withdraw or change the subject to sports – oh, wait, sports is a subject about which you can apply David Hume’s notion that “reason is a slave to the passions.”
2. Ask the other to share with you how they came to that position. Use the “five whys” (an iterative technique often used to get to the root of a problem, issue, or conclusion) and draw the person out to deepen your understanding of their process. When you get to the bottom of the information ladder, here are some useful dos and don’ts:
   • Do identify areas of agreement if there are some.
   • Do offer a neutral summary of your understanding.
   • Don’t attack the other’s reasoning, intelligence, or ethics.
   • Do ask if the other would like to hear your point of view on the topic.
3.  Disengage temporarily from the conversation under the following circumstances:
• You or the other are becoming too angry or emotional to listen to one another.
• The information is new enough to you that you’d like to give it some thought.
• You believe that you can make a better case to the other if you gather some data that will be believable to them, now that you understand more.
4. When you do share your opinion or point of view with the other, try these ideas:
• Frame it in a way that aligns as much as possible with their hopes or concerns.
• Focus on upselling your ideas rather than putting the other on the defensive by criticizing theirs – unless you have agreed upon some ground rules for a “constructive debate.[1]”
• Ask the other to comment on what they like or don’t like about your idea or sources and use active listening to show understanding.
• Avoid automatic defensiveness­­–but be willing to defend your position with data that you can show or demonstrate.
• If the other provides a good critique or challenges your assumptions, listen, express appreciation, and acknowledge when you believe they are right – or at least have given you something to consider.

Having a mutually respectful conversation builds important bridges in any relationship – even if you don’t change one another’s minds, you have established a more productive basis for future discussions. If we’re going to get things done together in an increasingly complex and fragmented world, this is something we can build on.

Like this article? Want to comment? Join the conversation on LinkedIn

[1] see below regarding Kim’s upcoming book, Building Better Ideas:How Constructive Debate Inspires Courage, Collaboration, and Breakthrough Solutions. Follow this link for info about our Constructive Debate workshop.

ATD Continues to Wow Us

Lauren Powers, SVP, Business Development

ATD 2019 was terrific! We saw so many old friends and made some wonderful new ones. We were energized by the engagement and still continue to be astounded by the robustness and richness of the industry talent that was present in Washington, DC. 

Barnes & Conti CEO, Kim Barnes, spoke at ATD about “Building Better Ideas: The Value of Constructive Debate.” The session, based on our Constructive Debate training program and Kim’s soon to be published book (see below), focused on promoting a culture where “constructive debate” becomes the norm and conflict avoidance, political gamesmanship, suboptimal decision-making, and groupthink are no longer tolerated. Kim engaged session participants in discussing barriers they experienced that prevented constructive debate during meetings and offered resources and ideas from her upcoming book and Barnes & Conti’s program. One of the session participants commented, “Best presentation I ever attended in all my years at ATD!“ Editors note: Kim will be speaking on the same topic at UCLA later this summer, see below.

Nelson Soken, Chief Innovation Strategist at Barnes & Conti, also presented at ATD. His talk, “Design Thinking: An Approach to Transform Your Organization and Improve Outcomes,” in which Nelson defined design principles, discussed organizational barriers, and explained how to apply design thinking and other innovation concepts to talent development initiatives, was attended by a capacity crowd of over 430 participants. Nelson’s lively workshop clearly resonated for talent professionals across industries!

Feel free to reach out to Kim and Nelson if you want to discuss either of these topics. Hope to see you next year in Denver, May 17-20, 2020.

Kim Barnes' New Book on Constructive Debate Available for Preorder

Kim Barnes’ new book, Building Better Ideas: How Constructive Debate Inspires Courage, Collaboration, and Breakthrough Solutions, to be published in the fall of 2019 by Berrett-Koehler, is now available for pre-order on Amazon!. The book, based on our popular program, Constructive Debate: A Collaborative Approach to Building Better Ideas, serves to help organizations engage a broad range of people in ideation and to create a culture where unusual and innovative ideas get a hearing. Both the book and the program present a clear process and encouragement for critiquing and improving ideas.

Preorder the Book on Amazon

Read an excerpt: “Why Do We Always Have to Have ‘The Meeting After the Meeting?’”

Public Programs for Summer and Fall 2019

We're offering our popular Exercising Influence program as a webinar, and both Exercising Influence and Consulting on the Inside in the Berkeley area this coming fall. Internal consultants who want to have a more influential consulting practice may want to take both courses!

The schedule:

Exercising Influence

October 23, 2019

Exercising Influence Webinar

August 1, 2019
November 7, 2019

Consulting on the Inside

October 24, 2019

Cost for the webinars is $395. In-person programs are $795.

Visit our website for the full schedule and to register.

What's New at Barnes & Conti?

The Learning Journey Continues with Micro-Learning Modules

We are excited to announce that we have partnered with myQuest, an action-based learning platform, to create micro-learning modules for our Intelligent Risk-Taking and Exercising Influence programs. These modules will be available by the end of the year and will help individuals continue their exciting learning journey.

MyQuest uses a unique learning model of small, achievable micro-learning modules, and a cycle of learner Action, followed by Feedback, followed by a Trigger for further learning (AFT). The AFT cycle increases learner engagement and lasting behavior change. We look forward to being able to offer this additional way to help classroom and webinar participants begin their learning journey and then to continue applying and developing the skills they learn in Intelligent Risk-Taking and Exercising Influence.

Kim Barnes Speaking at UC People Management Conference

B. Kim Barnes will be a featured speaker at the University of California People Management Conference at the campus of UCLA in Los Angeles, CA, on August 7. Kim will be speaking on the popular topic, “Using Constructive Debate to Build Better Ideas.” Kim has given similar presentations on this topic, related to her upcoming book (see above) at both the HR West Conference and at ATD 2019.

The UC People Management Conference brings together leaders from across the University of California network to learn about current management topics, exchange best practices, collaborate with their peers, and continue their development and growth as people managers and leaders.

Follow this link for a session description

Recipe: Grilled Miso Chicken with Peanut Butter

Here’s a tasty Asian-influenced recipe from the collection of Kim Barnes. The peanut butter adds a southeast Asian touch to a more-or-less Japanese seasoning. The recipe makes enough for a summer grilling party!

Ingredients:

• 5 lb. boneless chicken thighs

Marinade:

• ½ cup miso (white preferred)
• ½ cup smooth peanut butter
• ½ cup soy sauce
• ½ cup sugar
• ½ cup beer
• 2 tbsp fresh minced ginger
• 1 tbsp minced garlic

Method:

1. Combine marinade ingredients and add chicken
2. Marinate overnight
3. Cook over hibachi or grill, approx. 4-5 minutes per side, depending on the heat and thickness of chicken.

Serves 16

Serving Suggestion:

You can make this as the centerpiece of a summer grill party, with some grilled, marinated vegetables: zucchini and Japanese eggplant (split in half lengthwise), bell peppers (halved and seeded), mushrooms (whole) and onions (halved or quartered).

Suggested marinade:

• Equal parts soy sauce and rice wine or dry sherry
• Minced garlic and minced ginger to taste
• Sugar to taste

Marinate the vegetables for 30-60 minutes, and grill until the skins begin to char and the vegetables soften. For serving brush with more marinade and drizzle with toasted sesame oil.

Serve both the chicken and vegetables with steamed rice and a cucumber salad.

Recipe: Cucumber Salad

This recipe is from the collection of Barnes & Conti SVP Lauren Powers’ Grandma Rose. Lauren says, "We have been making this salad with Kirby cucumbers as a summer treat. Great with seared tuna or Kim’s Grilled Miso Chicken with Peanut Butter!"

Ingredients:

• 1 1/3 cups white wine, cider or rice vinegar – I prefer rice vinegar for a less acidic taste
• 1 1/3 cups water (helpful to boil water first so sugar dissolves and then let cool
• ½ cup sugar
• salt and pepper to taste
• ½ cup chopped chives, 1 large thinly sliced sweet onion or scallions
• 5-6 cucumbers, peeled and thinly sliced (no need to peel them if you use Kirby’s)
• Add some fresh dill if desired

Method:

1. In shallow bowl, mix together sugar and boiled water.
2. When water mixture has cooled, add all other ingredients except cucumbers.
3. Put cucumbers in separate bowl.
4. Pour dressing over cucumbers and refrigerate for several hours.

Introducing Sansa, Our Newest Staff Member

Sansa comes into the office regularly with Nermin Soyalp, our Curriculum Design and Development Consultant. It looks like Sansa posed for this photo before the very important work of inspecting the Barnes & Conti kitchen.