The Fear Factor in Influence: Join Before Leading
B. Kim Barnes, Barnes & Conti CEO
We are living through a time in which differences of opinion can easily turn into interpersonal conflict… where it’s tempting to see what your tribe thinks before venturing an opinion on anything controversial. We avoid dealing with the difficult issues; everyone’s temper is a little frayed by months of enforced isolation. We are cautious in how we approach those with whom we expect to disagree. Perhaps we hold back – just a little – in expressing new ideas. So, what are the implications for those of us who work on teams – who need to be able to influence one another? Imagine yourself in the following situation:
You have what you consider to be a very important and useful idea. You’ve thought through how to approach your boss, your colleague, your partner. You have put together a solid and logical case that should meet their decision criteria. You have made an effort to understand their needs and believe you can show them that your idea will meet those needs beautifully. Somehow, though, your case falls flat. They give you a polite excuse, a rational-sounding rebuttal, an angry dismissal, or simply avoid responding at all. You’re puzzled and disappointed. It’s tempting to assume that they are simply resistant to change or to believe that they are being unreasonable. That leads to a sense of futility; you consider giving up on that idea or that person’s potential support.
But is that the only possible outcome? Understanding others’ needs and decision criteria is necessary, but not sufficient, if you have a big idea to sell. Successful influencers are also attuned to the fear factor. Fear creates uncertainty and over-focus on the worst-case scenario. If your idea is going to change someone’s world, require significant risk, or move very far beyond current boundaries, it has the potential to stimulate fear.
Fear doesn’t respond well to logic, no matter how solid the argument. It can’t easily be traded away. Positive visions and potential rewards may get a polite nod or smile, but the fear won’t dissipate in response.
I spent several years studying and practicing the Japanese martial art of Aikido. Though I never mastered the physical side of it, the approach and philosophy became an important part of my thinking. The word, Aikido, is variously translated as “the way to universal harmony” or “the way to harmony with the universe.” Either way, both the physical and mental dynamic is that of moving with or joining the other before taking the lead.
If you believe the person you’re hoping to influence is experiencing fear – fear of loss, of failure, of diminishment – think about how to join that person. Instead of arguing, listen actively. Instead of assuming their first response is a barrier you must overcome, draw them out, go deeper to learn more about their concerns. Treat the resistance and underlying fear as sources of information that can help you understand how you need to change your approach in order to align more closely to that person. Treat any fear you uncover as rational (even if you disagree); don’t try to deny the possibility of loss. Don’t stop until the other has acknowledged, verbally or nonverbally, that you understand. Only then are you in a position to talk about how you might, together, be able to reduce the risk or deal with the worst case, should it occur.
When another’s fear can mean a loss of support for something you believe in, you need to be aware of your own emotions: temporarily set aside your own enthusiasm and confidence; manage your anger. Ask before assuming. Listen before talking. Join before leading.
Kim Barnes to Present at ATD
Kim Barnes is planning on speaking at ATD 2021 next summer. This year’s topic is “Building Better Ideas: The Value of Constructive Debate.” We also are planning to have a booth, as long as it is safe to hold the expo. Below are the dates and the link to the ATD website.
According to the ATD website, they will be tailoring the event according to health and safety needs while following all state and local guidelines.
Please watch for future newsletters and e-bulletins for the specific information and participant discounts.
Recipe: Quarantine Tomato Soup with Grilled Cheese Croutons
Lauren Powers, SVP Business Development
Lauren says, "This became our family’s favorite quarantine soup recipe. It takes no time and consists of few ingredients, most of which are in your cupboard. It is sure to please."
Ingredients:
- 1 tbsp butter
- 1 onion, chopped
- 1 clove garlic, minced
- 2 (28-ounce) cans San Marzano tomatoes
- 3 cups chicken broth
- Handful of fresh basil or 1 teaspoon dried basil (save some fresh basil if you want to use as a garnish).
- 2 tsp sugar
- 1/4-1/2 tsp red pepper flakes
- Salt and pepper, to taste
- 1/2 to 1 cup light cream
Method:
- Saute onion in butter and then add minced garlic at the end for 30 seconds.
- Add cans of tomatoes with juice, chicken broth, basil, red pepper, salt and pepper.
- Cook without cover for 30 minutes on low heat; some liquid should evaporate.
- Puree in good processor or use immersion blender.
- Add cream when ready to serve. If you are freezing, hold off on the cream and add later.
For Grilled Cheese Croutons
Make your favorite grilled cheese sandwich. And cut it into small cubes, about 9 of them. Float them or dip them!
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